The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?