Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.