[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.