My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Home #decor warning.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s