Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
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[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.