Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.