[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
i now pronounce you bounced.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome