Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
scared to check what name she chose
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry