That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
#CatsOnTwitter
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”