“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
this is so top tier i cant
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”