At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.