I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.