Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before