I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.