If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly