I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
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Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
when someone rings the doorbell
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.