Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons