I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
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Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏