The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
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If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
bury ourselves
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.