No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”