Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Print is alive and well!!!
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.