I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I really had high hopes for this year though
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.