Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
This will never not be funny 😭
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.