Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
You Might Also Like
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.