I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.