The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
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Wednesday
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
This is hilarious….
This is the one
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.