*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.