At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.