Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
inside you are two wolves
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.