Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: how are you
Friday: good
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy