[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
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My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Husband of the year 😂
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.