her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Optional boss fight.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”