Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
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My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.