I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Me, in DM rooms…
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…