[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
The honesty is refreshing
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem