Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
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Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Festive toon…
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.