Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
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Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.