“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.