Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.