I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.