Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
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That de-escalated quickly
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.