Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
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As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
everyone has that one prude friend
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?