If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
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Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.