No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!