STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My dress code is business-casualty.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My god she’s good.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore