You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Good morning, Twitter x
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality