them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.