My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.