my favorite genre of twitter
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
U talkin 2 me?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this