They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
🍛
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.